An Honest Statement About My Dishonest Past.

I’m not a bad guy once you get to know me. The trouble is, I never let anyone get to know me.

I hold everyone at a distance. I pick and choose what I allow people to know. I have never been what is most often described as an open book — an ironic statement considering the name of this blog.

I feel like I am a better person than most people believe me to be. With the way the past few months have been, I feel like the way people perceive me has been altered to something even more negative than before. If I didn’t believe that I wasn’t the monster so many seem to think I am, then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. But I do.

I am not a monster. I am a human being. I have made mistakes. However, I can also make them right.

I am tired of being treated and talked about like a lost cause. I am tired of people who expect me to fail. Anyone who believes these things does not know me. But that isn’t surprising, since I tend to pick and choose who I allow to know me. And anyone who thinks I’m a monster never seems to make the cut.

Perhaps that is immature. Perhaps I should reach out to the people who dislike me, the people who hate me, and show them who I really am. Maybe I should try to change their minds. But maybe I’m not ready for that. Maybe I want to be mad about it. Maybe I’m just sick of everyone trying to make other people’s decisions and cast me as the villain of this particular story.

I’m just a character. We’re all just characters. There are no heroes and villains. Everyone has their own motivation, and mine has changed. But many of you out there aren’t willing to see that. It’s easier to paint me as the uncaring, evil villain who laughs while he kicks puppies and drowns babies. But, as any good writer knows, it’s never that simple. There is no good and evil; there is only motive.

Why should I let you in when you have no interest in seeing me beyond a pale, two-dimensional archetype? Should I grow a black mustache and start wearing a top hat? At least then you wouldn’t have to use your imagination.

I just want a chance. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.


About [rlh]

Ryan L. Haddock is an aspiring writer, emphasis on the "aspiring." He mostly writes short stories, but that is only because he doesn't seem to have the attention span necessary to write a novel. At least, not yet. He is also a husband and a father . . . yet he is still struggling valiantly against the notion that he has to grow up. View all posts by [rlh]

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