Back and forth. Dodge and recover. Fall. Get up.
I am a fighter. When I truly believe in something, I cannot be swayed from it. And, as it is in this case, when I truly believe that something is right, I will fight to the death to preserve it. There is no doubt in my mind that this is right, so I am fighting with everything I have to preserve it. It is that simple.
This time has served as a deconstruction of sorts for me. I have had to reevaluate who I am and reexamine the choices I have made. I have had to look at my life, my character and the contents of my soul through a magnifying glass … and I have to live with what I have seen. However, I am not a lost cause. I am not beyond saving.
She has not given up on me. They have not given up on me. Something must be there; something must be inside of me that is worth putting faith in. That fact alone is enough to get me through the desperate times and the darker days.
I have been doing a lot of research in order to figure out some of my more prevailing problems. I published some of my findings recently in one of my latest entries, Narcissus. However, I’ve done more research since then, and I believe I have discovered another possibility. I do not feel like elaborating any more on it until I have done a bit more exploration, however. But I do find that having a label or category to file things under makes them easier to deal with. I am generally not in favor of self-diagnosing, and certainly not in favor of self-medicating, but having an idea of what the problem might be certainly helps. Knowing that you’re not crazy is always a huge plus.
There is an answer out there for me. And I know I have the willpower I need to become a better man. It is just a matter of time and patience now.
Time and patience.