In the quaint yet bustling almost-metropolis of Chattanooga, a war is brewing. The indigenous population, a charmingly backwater and moderately peaceful people (depending upon the level of intoxication) is under attack by an army of strange and unusual foreign invaders with peculiar fashion tastes and completely alien sensibilities. The indigenous population at first welcomed these newcomers, as they are known throughout the country for their perceived hospitality with relation to their region of habitation. However, relations between the two factions soon soured. The invaders revealed that they intended to take over the city and consume (then renew, then consume, then renew) its available resources, and the indigenous population had no plans of converting to what they perceived as the completely ridiculous culture of the invading force.
Thus, the Battle for Chattanooga began.
Here, we will examine the two sides of this battle and offer up a plausible outcome based purely on the statistical information presented. I am not a fortune teller; I merely write fiction for the enjoyment of myself and, on occasion, others. Should this battle resort to actual violence, the outcome presented here may not be an accurate representation of what would unfold. This is simple conjecture. However, if the scale of this war were to escalate, then may God help us all.
Hipsters vs. Rednecks
First, a history.
[Note: History presented may not be historically accurate.]
Chattanooga, for all intents and purposes, was founded by miscreants. They were cast out of their respective countries of origin and sent to the American colonies, then cast out of those colonies and sent to Chattanooga. They were promised a mountain, a large hill that is inexplicably referred to as a mountain, and a river destined to produce hydroelectric power and lightly irradiated catfish.
Upon arrival, they found these things and were satisfied.
The wealthy made homes on the mountain, the slightly-less-wealthy-than-the-wealthy-but-still-pretty-damn-wealthy made homes on the large hill, and the untouchable peasants of the region settled into parts of the valley that would later house a nuclear power plant. To most native Chattanoogans, this makes complete sense, and is in fact how all municipalities should be set up. The rich live on mountains, the poor live in valleys, and all people regardless of social status are equally limited to consuming only one pound of river-caught catfish per month due to potential mercury poisoning.
From the nuclear-enhanced valleys of Chattanooga emerged the Rednecks. They built their society upon the traditional Christian values of killing nature’s most beautiful and delicate creatures with high-powered semi-automatic rifles and driving excessively large vehicles with excessively large tires through excessively large puddles of mud (often while listening to early 2000’s alternative rock act Puddle of Mudd, which was excessively bad). In these things, they found pleasure and meaning, and their simple yet fulfilling lives were exemplified in their big hearts and bigger appetites for all things sugar-coated and deep-fried.
Then came the Hipsters.
Their origins are a mystery, as are their motivations. Some have said they simply migrated to Chattanooga from the Northwest due to Hipster overpopulation in their area of origin. Others believe that they were once normal people, and that their odd and somewhat alien dispositions have been caused by years of protein deficiency and a propensity to glorify past trends and actions rather than innovate. It is believed by those who have studied their behavior that they possess traits similar to locusts: They move into an area that can sustain them, criticize and critique every possible form of media as not being up to their standards, and then move onto another area to repeat the pattern. But something happened when they reached Chattanooga:
They decided to stay.
However, they did not agree with the sentiments and practices of the indigenous population; therefore, the offending people would have to be exterminated.
But who will win this epic battle? Let’s look at the stats:
Rednecks tend to breed more often than Hipsters and generally begin breeding younger — some as early as twelve or thirteen years of age. Also, a larger amount of couplings are made possible due to the fact that Rednecks are generally less selective in their choice of mate; many only stipulate that his or her sexual partner have the “proper equipment” and not be a direct blood relation, though the latter has been found to be optional on occasion (particularly when paired with the effects of alcohol). Combined with a lackadaisical understanding of birth control, the potential for multiple children per reproducing female skyrockets. These factors together all lead to a larger number of children for the Redneck population and, thus, a larger force with which to fight their opponents.
Hipsters generally find that an increased number of children would increase what they refer to as their “carbon footprint” on the world; as such, they prefer to convert non-Hipsters to their cause rather than simply breed new Hipsters. Also, many are believed to be homosexual and are thus not likely to have natural biological offspring. Even those who are not actually homosexual often feign homosexuality in their dress and demeanor, thus negating any potential couplings with members of the opposite sex. Without a biological system for replenishing their number, they must rely solely on their recruiting tactics, which, somewhat contradictorily, tend to include shunning those who do not share their Hipster sensibilities and acting cooler than all other social groups in the surrounding area. These factors lead to a considerably lesser force numbers-wise.
Rednecks are known for their outdoorsmanship. They possess formidable skill in hunting, fishing, foraging, and camping, and most are no stranger to “living off the land” in extreme circumstances (e.g. getting kicked out of the trailer for a week and a half due to spousal discovery of certain photographs tucked away in the family Bible). If their available resources include a cooler of at least 50-quart capacity, their potential for survival away from the comforts of civilization and, indeed, their ability to outlast their opponents in the wilderness without provisions or supplies increases exponentially.
Common opinion would indicate that the Rednecks would dominate this category, but the adaptability of Hipsters should not be underestimated. They have made unprecedented advances in survivalism never thought possible by their Emo and Goth ancestors. Also increasing the chances of Hipster survival in the wild is the fact that many are vegetarian and can thus sustain themselves on local plant life if necessary. Vegetarianism is virtually unheard of in the Redneck community and, in fact, is generally feared as a heretical custom brought about by demonic possession.
Hipsters are generally pacifists by nature, choosing to rise against modern trends and differing musical tastes rather than actual threats of violence. They will carry protest signs and write strongly worded blogs to express their anger and/or dissatisfaction with current states of being rather than commit to anything that could be defined as an “action.”
Rednecks, on the other hand, do not need motivation of any kind for a fight. Generally, uttering the word “fight” is enough to incite many to at least some degree of violence, doubly so if said fight involves some kind of offending remark or action against a family member or close friend. Hipsters are known for taking a more bystander-ish role in similar proceedings, preferring to “tweet” their support for their loved ones on select social networking sites long after the incident has occurred and generally following up said action with sending locally grown, organic edible bouquets to their loved ones’ hospital rooms (complete with a typed get-well note composed on at least 75% recycled paper, though 90% or higher is preferred).
Rednecks are known for having average to below-average intelligence, mostly due to an inability to focus on school endeavors when in the formative adolescent phase. However, this gap of knowledge is filled with information learned from both network and cable television. With access to the right channels, Rednecks can learn much about the types of tactical strategy that could aid them in their fight against the Hipsters. However, the more likely outcome is that they will end up on a channel showing reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger starring conservative, kicking-ass-for-the-Lord martial artist Chuck Norris — from whom they will learn nothing but how to perform a picture-perfect roundhouse kick while wearing cowboy boots and very tight jeans.
Hipsters, overall, have a higher level of intelligence than their Redneck opponents, generally due to a higher quality and quantity of education, as well as a more nutritious diet. This heightened intelligence will help their strategic endeavors immensely, allowing them to use reason and at least some level of planning to develop their tactics. However, two hindrances to their tactical ability present themselves.
First, the smug disposition of the typical Hipster could lead to overconfidence and predictability. Much like some classic comic book villains, it is not enough to simply triumph over their adversaries; they want to prove their superiority at every turn. Such behavior leads to costly strategic mistakes, setbacks, and even defeat.
Second, though the intelligence of Hipsters cannot be denied, their areas of expertise are not necessarily useful in battle. One does not typically assault an enemy with knowledge of who played mandolin on the Smiths’ song “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want” or the number of times Paul Newman refers to someone as “Boss” in Cool Hand Luke. Despite these faults, I still believe the common intelligence of the Hipsters will prevail over the television-infused logic of the Redneck community.
This is a close one. Due to the Hipsters being the invading force, it would be assumed that Rednecks have the home field advantage here. However, this may not necessarily be the case. Rednecks are fairly reclusive (bordering on isolationist) and tend to stick to areas with which they are comfortable, often shunning more densely populated areas known for urban development and culture (i.e. downtown Chattanooga). Hipsters, sensing this apprehension, have swooped into this area with remarkable swiftness and established a base of operations that continues to expand with time. Rednecks have made no indication to re-conquer this territory, giving the Hipsters a permanent and central base from which to strike.
In general, Rednecks do know the lay of the land, and this will serve them well in the fight against the Hipsters. However, Hipsters are more willing to adapt and venture out into parts unknown, generally in search of cool and undiscovered things they can then brag about liking before anyone else even knew they existed. Rednecks are not known for their adaptability, generally clinging to the same principles of their fathers, grandfathers, great-grandfathers and so on. This steadfastness keeps them shielded from the onset of dangerous ideas like annihilationism and natural selection (ironic, considering the topic of this article), but it will not serve them in this battle.
Arms & Transportation:
The category of Arms is one of the few where there really is no argument. Rednecks embrace their Second Amendment right more than any other subculture, and it should come as no surprise that most have a fairly well stocked arsenal right in the comfort of their own homes. With a gun-to-person ratio of approximately 8-to-1, the Redneck has no shortage of available weaponry at his disposal. Also, Rednecks begin instruction on the use of firearms at a very early age, usually achieving their first kill before they lose their first tooth. The Hipster, on the other hand, generally has no experience with guns or weaponry of any kind, save the pistol-shaped cigarette lighter they use to light their cigarillos.
Vehicular transportation is another category that heavily favors the Rednecks, both in quantity and in utility. They favor large, intimidating vehicles with ample storage opportunities and multiple-terrain capabilities. Echoing their insistence with firearms, the average vehicle-to-person ratio among Rednecks is approximately 5-to-1, with at least half of those vehicles being in somewhat working order. Contrast that ratio with that of the Hipster who, due to their ecological sensibilities, have closer to a 1-to-5 ratio of vehicles to persons. Many choose to walk, ride bicycles, or use public transportation in lieu of owning and operating a carbon dioxide-producing vehicle. The hybrid and electric vehicles championed by Hipsters who do choose to own an automobile are no match for the trucks and SUVs of their opponents.
There really is no contest here. More vehicles and more weaponry make for a more mobile and more lethal force.
The availability and quality of supplies alone can determine the outcome of a war, and this is another area where the Rednecks seem to come out ahead. From study and observation, Rednecks seem to survive on a combination of Mountain Dew, beef jerky, energy drinks, and various forms of potato, all of which are readily available in the Chattanooga area via chain grocery stores, convenience stores, gas stations, pharmacies, friends’ houses, etc.
Hipsters, on the other hand, have a much more selective diet, generally consisting of various teas, hummus, vegan/vegetarian cuisine, and anything labeled “organic.” These supplies can generally only be found at one of a handful of organic grocery stores and the occasional farmers’ market. And while the healthier content of the Hipsters’ diet will certainly provide them with greater longevity, the scarcity of their foodstuffs is a hindrance. This will not be a generations-long battle; availability is more important than nourishment.
Looking purely at the statistics, it would seem that the Rednecks have a clear advantage. After all, they have more experience with weapons and fighting in general, they are better supplied, and their numbers make them a more than formidable opponent. However, the Hipsters should not be written off so easily. They possess a stubbornness rarely seen in any society and will “not go gentle into that good night,” to randomly quote poet Dylan Thomas (something which they are also apt to do). They defend their ridiculousness to the bitter end — something I am sure the Rednecks would very much like to witness firsthand.
While compiling this article, I came across something that was of particular interest. Hipsters tend to combat modern societal advances (with the exception of those that feature an Apple logo) with the same tenacity and fervor as their opponents, the Rednecks. Perhaps if these two sides could peacefully meet on neutral ground and expand on these commonalities, some kind of compromise of coexistence could be reached. However, given the easily offended nature of both parties, such a compromise seems highly unlikely.
In the end, it must be remembered that the Rednecks are fighting a defensive war. They do not have to necessarily defeat the Hipsters; they must only outlast their trendy opponents until the next ridiculous fad comes along and the Hipsters collapse from within. Rednecks have been around as long as Chattanooga — probably longer. The Hipsters are not just fighting the Rednecks; they are fighting their own superficial natures, as well as the very history of the city which they are invading.
The day is yours, Rednecks.
At least until the great Geek uprising. Once that happens, your days are numbered.